


101 (less 91) Ways to Kill a Wizard

by LD_Little_Dragon



Category: Baldur's Gate
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-26
Updated: 2014-08-26
Packaged: 2018-02-14 21:35:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 570
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2203932
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LD_Little_Dragon/pseuds/LD_Little_Dragon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>features Edwin dying, a lot.</p>
            </blockquote>





	101 (less 91) Ways to Kill a Wizard

**Author's Note:**

> For those who care: Konk is my own invention-a standard issue half-orc barbarian Bhaalspawn

**1\. Death by Avariel**

Edwin: "Pst…Aerie"

Aerie: "What do you want wizard?"

Edwin: "I wanted to let you know something Thayvians say about your people, the Avariel."

Aerie: "Oh! Is..Is it something nice?"

Edwin: "Very nice."

Aerie: "Wh…what is it?"

Edwin: "The best parties must have an Avariel present. "

Aerie: "That's sweet. Why is that?"

Edwin: "They taste better than chicken!"

Aerie: "Oh that's it! You hor…horrible man." -casts polymorph to chicken spell-

Edwin: "Squawk!"

Aerie: "We'll s..see who tastes like ch..chicken!" -casts barbecue spell-

**2\. Death by Banana**

Konk: "Hey wizard! Watch where you throw those fireballs of yours. You nearly fried me in that last battle."

Edwin: "Edwin do this, Edwin do that. Somebody get this jerk a banana.

Konk: "I already got a banana." -stuffs banana down Edwin's throat-

**3\. Death by Concubines**

scene:The underdark, Ust Natha Inn

Konk: "Where is that wizard!"

Keldorn: "I believe he went upstairs where those decadent lust chambers are."

Mazzy: "That was two days ago."

Konk: "Well, maybe he's still there."

Keldorn: "Someone should go check."

Mazzy: "Not me."

Anomen: "Nuh-uh."

Konk: "Waddya lookin at me for?"

Keldorn: -sighs-"If I must. May Torm protect me."

Keldorn in lust chambers looking at dead wizard- "Well, at least he looks happy."

**4\. Death by Ego**

scene: Spellhold meeting the inmates

Tiax: "I am Tiax!"

Edwin: "I am Edwin Odesserion!"

Tiax: "Tiax is great!"

Edwin: "I am magnificence personified!"

Tiax: "Tiax rules, Tiax rules all!"

Edwin: "I am the greatest wizard ever!"

Irenicus: "Arrrgh! Enough!" -casts multiple disintegrate spells-

**5\. Death by Embarrassment**

Edwin: "My, my magic, it won't work!"

Konk: "That's alright Eddie, we don't mind."

Mazzy: "I'm sure it happens to all the wizards sometimes."

Edwin: "But it's never happened to **me** before!"

Konk: "It's okay, we won't think of you as any less of a…wizard."

Edwin: "No, no, NOOOOOO!" -keels over-

**6\. Death by Irritability**

Anomen: "Edwin!"

Edwin: "I'm busy."

Mazzy: "Wizard!"

Edwin: "Go bother someone else."

Keldorn: "Odesseiron!"

Edwin: "What is it now!"

Keldorn: "Your robe's on fire."

Edwin: "Aaagh!" -sizzling sound-

**7\. Death by Jansen**

Edwin: "Go away gnome."

Jan: "But, gee, Red, I was just reminded of a story…-scribe: _no, I'm sorry, I just can't do that-_

**8\. Death by Paladin**

Edwin: "Greetings baby paladin."

Mazzy: "Watch yourself wizard."

Edwin: "Please don't threaten me, my kneecaps are worried."

Mazzy: "I cannot let your evil live!"

Edwin: "Hah! Hahaha…erk, ack, gurgle."

**9\. Death by Pride**

Edwin: "Bah! I alone could defeat you."

Konk: "Hey Eddie, that's a red dragon you're threatening."

Edwin: "I know that simian, go away you're not needed."

Dragon: "So you want to fight little fools?"

Konk: "Nope, we're leaving."

Edwin: "Flee, you worthless monkeys."

Konk, Keldorn, Anomen, and Mazzy: "See ya Eddie."

Dragon: "Well foolish one?"

Edwin: "Fear me!" -attacks dragon-

dragon-1, Edwin-0

**10\. Death by Hubris**

Edwin: "Elminster this, Elminster that. Give ME 2000 years and a pointy hat, and I'll kick his arse!"

Elminster: "Ho, noble travellers. And red-robed idiot. Well met."

Edwin: "Go away old buzzard, can't you see I'm ranting here?"

Elminster: -waves little pinky at Edwin- "Annoying gnats, just once it would be nice if I wasn't the one who had to squash them. Now, where I was I?"

NOTE: to all Edwin fans (I know you're out there)-I'm sure all those good-aligned characters resurrected the Red One. 

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted at gamejag 2005


End file.
